The Best Collection of Funny Quotes

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Joe Theismann

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Funny Quote by Joe Theismann

Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare

Of course you know, this means war.

Funny Quote by Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare

Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Funny Quote by Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Funny Quote by George Carlin

Friday, April 18, 2014

George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Funny Quote by George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?"
"What did... he looked like a guy. So?"
"A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?"
"I guess... Not the dog-headed guy."
"I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument.
"Good-looking. I knew it!"
And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house.
My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.

Funny Quote by Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

Bertrand Russell

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Funny Quote by Bertrand Russell

Terry Lander, Life Through the Eyes of an Insider: 101 Poems to Help You Understand Life Better

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it

Funny Quote by Terry Lander, Life Through the Eyes of an Insider: 101 Poems to Help You Understand Life Better

Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

Caroline, do you value your neck?"
"Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?"
"Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.

Funny Quote by Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

John Green

The funny thing about writing is that whether you're doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That's actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing.

Funny Quote by John Green

Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

Jarod Kintz, $3.33

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

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