The Best Collection of Funny Quotes

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

I told my doctor my penis was as thin as a spaghetti noodle. I asked if there was anything I could do to bulk it up, and he said, “Yeah, tell your girl to twirl it on a fork before she puts it in her mouth.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Friday, July 18, 2014

Jon Stewart

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Funny Quote by Jon Stewart

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster

Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.

Funny Quote by Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Disaster

Monday, July 14, 2014

Rachel Vincent, Stray

You bitch!"

Why is it that whenever I draw blood, I'm a bitch?

Funny Quote by Rachel Vincent, Stray

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Jarod Kintz, $3.33

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Friday, July 11, 2014

Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

Are you okay with what we ordered?” Angeline asked him. “You didn’t pipe up with any requests.”

Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would’ve loved. “I can’t waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you’d gone to my school in Devonshire, you’d understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you’ll learn not to argue about any food coming your way.”

Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they’d ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines.

Funny Quote by Richelle Mead, The Fiery Heart

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Samuel Johnson

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

Funny Quote by Samuel Johnson

Jarod Kintz

This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Mark Rosen

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.

Funny Quote by Mark Rosen

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
Lowest crime rates in the country

Funny Quote by Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC

Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Funny Quote by Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women

If my name were Mememem, and I had just ran into someone who should have known my name but couldn’t recall it, I’d probably say, “I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Series Mute Women

Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

Monday, July 7, 2014

Claudia Gray, Evernight

Suspicion," he said. "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. He's a genius." "Starring Cary Grant." When Lucas gave me a look, I added, "You have your priorities, I have mine.

Funny Quote by Claudia Gray, Evernight

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