The Best Collection of Funny Quotes

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Jarod Kintz, $3.33

If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Samuel Beckett, Endgame

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

Funny Quote by Samuel Beckett, Endgame

Friday, December 19, 2014

Rachel Cohn, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares

Well, well, well,” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.”

This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.

“I’m not really a little boy,” I pointed out.

“Get on my lap, then, big boy.”

I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjusted
his crotch.

“Ho ho ho!” he chortled.

I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.

“Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked.

I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.

He actually wobbled with joy.

“Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”

I thought it was obvious.

“A message from Lily,” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”

“So impatient!” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”—he shifted a little in
his seat—“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”

“What?” I asked.

He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.”

I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.

“You know you want it,” he whispered.

The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.
Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me.
I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … and
his belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole time
having Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho!” in my ear.

I heard the elf scream, “What the hell!” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked it
out, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho!” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap.

“Security’s here!” the elf proclaimed.

The letter was in my hand, damp but intact.

“He touched Santa!” a young child squealed.

Funny Quote by Rachel Cohn, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?


Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

Funny Quote by Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Don’t think of it as an affair, think of it as the calming alone time before bachelorhood. Just make sure to catch it on videotape to establish grounds for divorce, and so your spouse can continue to use you for gratification in your absence.

Funny Quote by Bauvard, Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic

Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.

Funny Quote by Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Deb Caletti, The Six Rules of Maybe

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>

Funny Quote by Deb Caletti, The Six Rules of Maybe

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."
To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble."
"We'll see.

Funny Quote by Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Monday, December 1, 2014

Zoë Marriott, The Swan Kingdom

To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans

Funny Quote by Zoë Marriott, The Swan Kingdom

Thursday, November 27, 2014

George Harrison

what would you call this haircut?"
arthur.

Funny Quote by George Harrison

Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

You all right, man?'
This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man.
Ah...' I stumble.
Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.

Funny Quote by Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

I'm sure I look like a drowned cat."
"You look fine. The wet look works for you."
I scowled. "Now I know you're lying.

Funny Quote by Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Monday, November 24, 2014

Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers?

Funny Quote by Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

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