The Best Collection of Funny Quotes

Monday, September 22, 2014

Jarod Kintz, $3.33

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Veronica Roth, Insurgent

Be careful, though."
"Aren't I always?"
"No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.

Funny Quote by Veronica Roth, Insurgent

Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.

Funny Quote by Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Laurell K. Hamilton, The Killing Dance

I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.

Funny Quote by Laurell K. Hamilton, The Killing Dance

Jarod Kintz

I want to invent a word that means “to stand tall, even when you feel small and frail.” That word, as I envision it, will be “Buqz” (pronounced Bucks). And then, with my newly created word, I can formulate a sentence that ties the record for the shortest sentence that uses all 26 letters of the alphabet. That sentence is, “Flyph Wax, a starving midget jock, buqz.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Roger Zelazny, Creatures of Light and Darkness

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

Funny Quote by Roger Zelazny, Creatures of Light and Darkness

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Jarod Kintz, $3.33

There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and you and you.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Demetri Martin

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

Funny Quote by Demetri Martin

Monday, September 8, 2014

Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Aside from fear itself, what do we have to fear? Well, perhaps anagrams of fear, like Ear F, the all-hearing being of the universe.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

Friday, September 5, 2014

Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

Right. So no plans at all then?"
Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?"
"Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.

Funny Quote by Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

Jarod Kintz

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

When I’m in a relationship, I love like a burrito. And if you’re a taco, don’t talk to me. At our core we may seem similar, but trust me, we are two different items on the menu.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, A Story That Talks about Talking Is Like Chatter to Chattering Teeth, and Every Set of Dentures Can Attest to the Fact That No..

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.

Funny Quote by Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

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